This website is dedicated to our journey of finding freedom from trauma, manipulation, addiction, and betrayal through forgiveness, spending time in the kitchen, traveling, and redemption.
This is my go to when we go out to Carlos O’Kelly’s. So delicious. Creamy, garlicky, and cheesy. I mean what more could you ask for? Currently being on the Corona confinement plan (social distancing) I just had to have some so I decided to try to recreate the recipe. I couldn’t find many copycat recipes online, unfortunately, and the one I did find wanted me to use a blender. Ummm HELLO blenders are for milkshakes not dinner! At least in this house.
After deciding to keep the blender inside the cupboard I thought to myself: “Self, I can do this on my own.” I started by using the basis of the recipe I did find for my initial flavor profile. Working with what I had on hand (thankful for the leftover heavy whipping cream in the fridge) I got started. This is how I made it. I didn’t measure much, just kind of winged it, which is how I normally cook.
Creamy, cheesy, garlic butter sauce with chicken served in tortillas.
Please let me know if you have tried this recipe. Did it turn out for you? Did you think it captured the flavor of the original?
If you grew up in Kansas or one of our neighboring states you are most likely familiar with Bierocks or otherwise known as Runzas in our northern neighboring state of Nebraska. They are one of my favorites. I’m a big fan of cabbage. You can always find them at our County Fairs here in the sunflower state. Growing up they were always on the school cafeteria menu. Heck, even our High School Juniors usually have them for sale for a prom fund raiser every year in our small town. They are said to have been brought over by German Russian Mennonite immigrants. The wives would create these delicious stuffed rolls and deliver them to their men who were working the crops.
I recently shared the above picture on Facebook and was surprised on how regional of a dish this seems to be. Many people were asking for the recipe so here is my best shot. I usually just create as I go. Over the years of making them I have tinkered with the recipe. I used to add mustard to the mix but have removed that over time. This version has become the family favorite.
Ingredients
For Filling:
3 lb. ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
3 small garlic cloves, finely minced
3 tbsp. butter, cut up
½ cup water
2 tsp. Beef Bone concentrate (image below).
2 tsp. Chicken Bone concentrate (image below).
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp. White vinegar
1+ tsp. black pepper (to taste)
1 + tsp. regular table salt (to taste)
½ tsp of Morton’s seasoning blend (image below).
½ + tsp. Garlic powder (to taste)
1 head cabbage chopped
1 tsp. brown sugar
2 ½ cups (a couple Tblsp. per roll) of shredded mozzarella or cheese blend of your choice, optional.
*One 3 lb. bag of 36 Rhodes Frozen Dinner Rolls (2 rolls will make one Bierock). You can also use the Texas rolls which are larger and you’ll only need to use one per bierock. Or if all you have is a loaf of their frozen bread dough that will work too cutting each loaf into 8 slices.
1 stick butter, melted
Instructions
*The night before, place frozen rolls in sprayed glass pans and wrap each tightly with plastic wrap that is also sprayed. Place into fridge to thaw overnight.
When you are ready to start cooking your filling pull the rolls out of the fridge so they can finish doubling in size while you start cooking your filling. Preheat oven to 350°F.
In a large frying pan, brown ground beef and onion until done, breaking up into small pieces. Drain any excess grease if necessary. Place ground beef back into your skillet and add garlic, and sauté 1 minute longer.
Add butter, water, both bone broths, worcestershire, vinegar, black pepper, salt, garlic powder and Morton’s blend. Add shredded cabbage stirring well to mix. Cook over medium-low heat, covered, stirring occasionally, until cabbage is very tender. Should take 15 – 20 minutes. During the last 5 minutes, add brown sugar stirring well and remove from heat. You can make this ahead of time and hold for 1 – 2 days.
Spray 2 baking sheets with non-stick spray.
Grab two rolls and keep the rest wrapped so they don’t dry out. Combining two rolls pressing out the dough kind of like making a pizza into a 5-6 inch round circles or rectangles or whatever shape you are capable of pulling off. Spreading them on a dry counter can help with this. Oil or flour will make it impossible so keep your counter clean. Try to make edges thinner so you don’t end up with a big clump of bread in the center once they are baked.
Place about 2 tablespoons of shredded cheese in the center, then top with a generous scoop ( about ⅓-½ cup) of the meat mixture. You don’t want your rolls understuffed. Bring up the sides, a bit at a time, pulling up and over the top, overlapping with each pull. Kind of like if you were making a Chinese dumpling. Pinch a little to seal, and place seam side down onto your prepared baking pan. Brush with melted butter. Continue with rest of rolls.
When 6 are filled and ready to go: Cover the prepared bierocks with plastic wrap or a clean lint free kitchen towel and let them proof (rise) for about 20-30 minutes. Bake for 25 – 30 minutes or until golden brown. Make sure the bottom is done. Nobody likes a soggy bottom. Place on a cooling rack. Brush with melted butter if desired. Bake next tray when the first one are done. I usually use the first sheet pan for the last batch. You can crowd them more tightly if you like, but I don’t like them to touch and they do expand being a yeast dough.
Serve with your favorite side such as fries, chips, or a cucumber onion salad. I like to dip mine into a little yellow mustard and ketchup on the side. Most in my family eat them plain while others are known to enjoy them with spicy brown mustard.
We prefer to reheat leftovers in the oven wrapped in foil until warm. You can individually wrap these and store them in the freezer for a later meal as well.
Have you ever had or made Bierock’s? If so how does your recipe differ? Please let me know if you have any questions on this recipe. Are you considering trying to make these? Let us know how they turn out.
I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. This current Coronavirus twilight zone has really gotten me down I’m not going to lie. My mental health has been struggling. As I was scrolling through Facebook tonight and came across numerous pictures of gray roots and fingernails that need to be filled, I was reminded of the things I have to be grateful for. I’ve decided I’m going to list them out for reminders for myself. Maybe you need some reminders of things to be grateful for in your life too.
Spending more intentional, not rushed quality time with Parker, Olivia, and Madalyn.
Thankful my momma taught me how to cook for my family. Enjoying meals that we prepare at home helps us feel safe.
Starting seedlings with the kids and actually having time to work on gardening together.
Not stressing about the sparkly glitter on the top of my head since I quit coloring my hair over four years ago.
Thankful I’ve always had natural fingernails that are thick and long so not stressing on them being neglected or the proper way to remove them.
Just slowing down and enjoying God’s beauty He provides to us.
Thankful that even though Nick has had his hours reduced due to a furlough he still has a job.
Baking yummy treats with the kids.
Thankful for my tribe of Mama’s covering the USA and even Canada. Our group chat keeps me grounded. Love the power of the 1st hand knowledge from this group of amazingly strong women.
Less laundry!!! (But more dishes☯️)
Picnics in the backyard
Family walks
Naps!!
Learning documentaries on the Earth, Space, and animals on Netflix
Online options for Church and School. Such a blessing.
Staying up late and sleeping in.
I pretty much live in my robes and house shoes.
What’s a bra??
The amazing staff at my mom’s long term care facility that are doing their best to keep her safe and healthy.
Finding time to start reading again.
Health. ( After both of my girls having to be quarantined) Glad to say they are all better from the flu and allergies.
Nick who is bravely navigating this bizarro-world and being our essential worker and shopper. #provider
Thankful to have good finance companies to work with during this time.
Spectacular sunsets we get to view in our very own backyard.
We have 🧻…. For now at least. 🤣
What do you have to be grateful for? Are you struggling with depression or anxiety with all the unknown? What do you find helps ease your mind?
Please share in the comments below and let us know how you’re holding up.
This is what’s on my heart this week so this is the post y’all get. I feel like we are currently living in a novel or in a bad SciFi movie. I awake every morning waiting for the current crisis report. I will admit I am totally sucked into the constant updates. It is just unfathomable what has become of our world in such a short time. So many heart-wrenching stories on top of many stories of people being kind. I believe kindness along with common sense, social distancing, and good hygiene can ensure better results all the way around.
It is nearly impossible to not feel a sense of anxiety and fear with everything that we have been reading and seeing on TV. I have a large network of friends all over the world, not just in here in the USA, and from what I am gathering it is unimaginable across our globe. Stories I’ve been hearing and reading are so frightening. I really do believe this is just the beginning for our society. Will our economy ever be able to bounce back? I pray it does. If you have checked your 401K account recently I am sure you have been anxious as well. I’m trying hard to keep my mental health in check.
Then there is the concern over groceries. If you have been to a market recently you understand this all too well. There are many empty shelves throughout the stores. The last time I went there were no potatoes (fresh or instant), no eggs, no soup except for split pea, scarce milk, bottles of water was few and far in-between, and certainly no toilet paper in sight. A lot of stores across our nation have limited the store hours and have started designating specific times for the elderly to go get their needed items without as much fear. I have also learned today of several markets across the nation not allowing you to bring your own bags into the store at this point due to contamination concerns.
No toilet paper in sight.
It feels like life is getting cancelled before our very eyes. I’m sure I’ll miss a lot in this list but below is just a few of the items that I can think of which have affected my family/community personally.
Cancelling of State Basketball tournaments for our town after they had already started. Both our girls and boys had won the first bracket. It is heartbreaking for all these kids not knowing that it was going to be there last games played. In my heart the Garden Plain Owls are the 2a Kansas State champions. 🦉🏆🏀
Now cancelled for the school year. Suspending of High School spring sports until further notice… I have a softball player who is a Junior and she is feeling bummed. I am too as softball season is my favorite season of the year.
My mom’s nursing home is on lock down and I miss her face.
Moving all classes to online for my oldest daughter who is in her second year at The University of Kansas.
Sign-ups for our 6 year olds T-ball season up in the air.
The movie theater that my high schooler works at has closed.
The April ACT has been postponed to June or July.
Junior in HS’s college visits and scholars days are being cancelled.
Just announced all Kansas schools closing for the remainder of 2019/2020 school year. It’s official, I will be a kindergarten teacher for the remainder of the school year. I am no Mrs. Pauly so this is slightly traumatizing.
The above list doesn’t even include all the closures and hours changed to businesses. The whole world feels like it has flipped upside down with no end in sight. These poor kids and teachers.
Get up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, & make bed
Get up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, & make bed
Get up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, & make bed
Get up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, & make bed
Get up, dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, & make bed
8:00-8:30 am
Pledge, Prayer, Day, Month, & Weather
Pledge, Prayer, Day, Month, & Weather
Pledge, Prayer, Day, Month, & Weather
Pledge, Prayer, Day, Month, & Weather
Pledge, Prayer, Day, Month, & Weather
8:30-noon
Math, Writing, games, centers, & time to play + *special activity
Sight words, Writing, games, centers, & time to play + *special activity
Math, Writing, games, centers, & time to play + *special activity
Sight words, Writing, games, centers, & time to play + *special activity
Math, Writing, games, centers, & time to play + *special activity
12-1 pm
Lunch while listening to tunes. Helping prep lunch and clean up. Recess
Lunch while listening to tunes. Helping prep lunch and clean up. Recess.
Lunch while listening to tunes. Helping prep lunch and clean up. Recess.
Lunch while listening to tunes. Helping prep lunch and clean up. Recess.
Lunch while listening to tunes. Helping prep lunch and clean up. Recess.
1-2:30 pm
Read aloud, Science, History, Literature
Read aloud, Science, History, Literature
Read aloud, Science, History, Literature
Read aloud, Science, History, Literature
Read aloud, Science, History, Literature
2:30-3:00
Snack and story time
Snack and story time
Snack and story time
Snack and story time
Snack and story time
3-whenever
P.E. (T-⚾, 🏀, ⚽,🥏, Simon Says, Tag, and exercise
P.E. (T-⚾, 🏀, ⚽,🥏, Simon Says, Tag, and exercise
P.E. (T-⚾, 🏀, ⚽,🥏, Simon Says, Tag, and exercise
P.E. (T-⚾, 🏀, ⚽,🥏, Simon Says, Tag, and exercise
P.E. (T-⚾, 🏀, ⚽,🥏, Simon Says, Tag, and exercise
Special activities may include: gardening, computer time, special videos, nature walks, art projects for loved ones, show and tell, & field trips (when allowed again)
But now back to the fact that I have to develop a structured school day at home for Parker. The poor little guy hasn’t even begun to understand what is happening. Above is what I drew up tonight. Thinking it looks pretty good. I’ll probably have to tweak it once we get more direction from the school, but until then this is what we are starting to implement at our house on Monday once we finish Spring Break.
More of my worries that I am trying not to have…. There is the situation of my oldest daughter who’s spring break was before all of the craziness. With her roommates in tow they all headed to the sunny state of Florida to spend a few days on spring break. She unfortunately started not feeling well on her first day as they’re staying at the Airbnb. The next morning she wakes up feeling like death. So my kid decided instead of inconveniencing any of her roommates and waking them up she calls an Uber and gets a ride to the CVS clinic. After feeling like she might die while almost waiting 2 hours she ends up with the diagnosis of Influenza A. She said when the lady checked her temperature it was just shy of one hundred and three and that she was shook. Mom wanted to hop into her car and make the 20-hour drive to go pick up her first born baby and take care of her and bring her home. Her being Miss Independent certainly wasn’t having it and told me to keep my butt at home. That was hard on this momma. She is currently on her own self-quarantined w/ the roomies after receiving notification from KU that if they had been to any states on a list (which included Florida) that they needed to self quarantine for 14 days. And now they’ve switched all classes to online for the rest of the semester. She is also feeling horrible about missing her internship at the magazine up in Kansas City as she has quarantined herself per recommendations. She lives off campus with the girls in an apartment so she’s really just going to stay there. I think… Ugh!!? Me being overprotective I would love nothing more than her to come home. It’s so hard to let my little birdie fly sometimes because my instincts are telling me to swoop in and bring her ass home. Are the rumors about a nation wide quarantine really true? If they are I need her home.
I am sorry this is just a rambling post but that is where my mind is. I feel we need more kindness, prayers, and concern for our neighbors, first responders, medical professionals, truck drivers, Government leaders, and anyone else on the front lines of this pandemic. What are your current concerns? What are you doing to prepare your kids for in home school? Do you feel you are prepared to self-contain at your home? Are you an extrovert dying to be set free? Try to reach out to your elderly neighbors and make sure they have what they need. Please stay home if you can and don’t make unnecessary trips out.
From time to time we get a weekly delivery fromHello Fresh. If you know me, you know that I have always spent a lot of time in the kitchen. I worked in catering for years and have always been the one to host dinner parties with the friends. Coming up with what to create gets old and to be honest I am so tired of the same ol same ol. You know how it is you get in a rut and buy the same ingredients everytime you go to the market. We needed a change and I happened to find it with Hello Fresh. Shortly after moving my momma to the nursing home back in November I came across a good coupon deal on Facebook. After looking into it I found it appeared to be easy to skip weeks so it wouldn’t be difficult to postpone if we wanted, so I pulled the trigger and signed us up.
This is our third delivery and we have yet to be disappointed. We order 3 meals for 2 people as our son is the pickiest ever and my teenager that still lives at home is rarely here. With the first two shipments we had a friend staying with us and I stretched the meals to feed all three of us. So keep that in mind if you decide to give it a try. You might get lucky and have lunch for the next day. I am used to cooking for a large hungry household and it has been hard to reduce down to a meal for only two. Constantly having too many leftovers that are getting wasted sucks, so this is where Hello Fresh is so helpful in reducing waste. Below is the directions/ingredients list for the meal I was getting ready to create.
ITEMS YOU WILL NEED FROM YOUR KITCHEN
• Large pot
• Meat thermometer
• Strainer
• Paper towels
• Large pan
• Baking sheet
• Vegetable oil (4 tsp | 4 tsp)
• Butter (2 TBSP |3 TBSP)
• Potato masher
• Kosher salt
. Black pepper
INGREDIENTS
Ingredient 2-person | 4-person
• Button Mushrooms 4 oz | 8 oz
• Scallions. 2/4
• Broccoli Florets. 8 oz | 16 oz
• Yukon Gold Potatoes. 12 oz/24 oz
• Chicken Breasts. 12 oz/24 oz
• Prosciutto. 2 oz | 4 oz
• Sour Cream. 6 TBSP/12 TBSP
• Mushroom Stock Concentrate. 1|2
Awww what a pretty Kansas sunset beyond these lovely delivered to my front porch ingredients.
PREP & COOK POTATOES
Adjust rack to top position (top and middle positions for 4 servings) and preheat oven to 425 degrees. We have a convection oven so preheated to 400°. Wash and dry all produce. Trim and thinly slice mushrooms.
So fresh and so clean. Well the scallion is looking a little wimpy…. But the rest is so fresh and so clean clean!!! Sliced, diced, and chopped
Trim and thinly slice scallions, separating whites from greens. Cut broccoli florets into bite-size pieces, if necessary. Dice potatoes into 1/2-inch pieces, place in a large pot with enough salted water to cover by 2 inches. Bring to a boil and cook until tender, 15-20 minutes. Reserve 1/2 a cup of potato cooking liquid, then drain and return potatoes to pot
So easy when you don’t have to peel your potatoes.
SEAR CHICKEN
Meanwhile, pat chicken dry with paper towels. Lay two slices of prosciutto beside one another on a flat surface. Tightly roll prosciutto around chicken. Repeat with remaining prosciutto and chicken. (TIP: You may have some prosciutto left over use the rest as you like.) Heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat. Add wrapped chicken; sear until browned, 2 minutes per side. Turn off heat; add to one side of a lightly oiled baking sheet (for 4 servings, spread out across entire sheet)
Prosciutto is a lot like bacon. I mean who doesn’t like bacon!! I seasoned up the chicken real good before wrapping it even though the recipe didn’t tell me to do so. Chicken needs seasoning.
FINISH CHICKEN & ROASTBROCCOLI
Toss broccoli on empty side of same sheet with a drizzle of oil and a large pinch of salt and pepper. (For 4 servings toss broccoli on a second baking sheet: roast chicken on middle rack and broccoli on top rack.) Roast on top rack until chicken is cooked through and broccoli is browned and tender, 14-16 minutes.
(TIP: If chicken is done before broccoli, remove from oven and continue roasting broccoli.) Set chicken aside to rest for a few minutes; slice crosswise.
MASHED POTATOES
Heat pot with potatoes over low heat. Mash with 1 TBSP butter and 2 packets sour cream (4 packets for 4 servings, you’ll use the rest later) until smooth and creamy, adding splashes of reserved potato cooking liquid as needed. Stir in scallion greens. Season generously with salt and pepper. Keep covered off heat until ready to serve.
MAKE SAUCE
Wash out pan used for chicken. Heat a drizzle of oil in same pan over medium high heat. Add mushrooms and scallion whites; season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring, until softened, 2-4 minutes. Stir in stock concentrate and 1/4 cup water (a 1/3 cup for 4 servings). Cook until slightly thickened, 2-3 minutes. Turn off heat. Stir in 1 TBSP butter (2 TBSP 4) and remaining sour cream. Season with salt and pepper.
This sauce was super yummy. I must figure out where to get this mushroom concentrate that came with it.
SERVE
Divide potatoes, chicken, and broccoli between plates. Spoon sauce over chicken and potatoes and serve.
So delicious and beautiful if I do say so myself.
We really enjoyed this meal. The chicken breast was juicy which was amazing as we truly are a chicken thigh kind of family. The mushroom sauce was so tasty. My only complaint with it might be that I would have liked extra for my potatoes. The potatoes had a really good flavor with the added sour cream and the chives. Roasted broccoli is always good. I did use additional seasonings that included garlic powder. We like more flavor than salt and pepper alone on our veggies.
Have you tried a food delivery service? If so did you have good or bad results? So far I am pretty pleased with Hello Fresh. I haven’t had any bad products show up in any of the orders. I love that there is a nice variety of weekly menu options, as I tend to be slightly finicky when it comes to food. I also love that we can skip any week we would desire. So far we have ordered once per month. The individual packages meals are perfect portion sizes without the waste we regularly notice when cleaning out the refrigerator on a weekly basis. The price point will be different depending on what meals you choose and the size for your family. I recommend you going to the link and just checking out all the different options yourself.
Nick and I are really enjoying the new variety of flavors in our diet. If you are following along on this blog you know we are currently embracing change in many areas of our lives. #changeisgood. Or so I have heard….
Guess what??? If you would like to try this out at your house you are in luck as I have a discount code for $40 off. Yippee!!! Who doesn’t like a great discount. I know I sure do.
Please comment below and let us know if you have enjoyed any food delivery services. Or have you considered signing up for one? If you do let us know the results of your home cooked meals.
Everybody needs some inspiration and motivation while working their recovery path over addictions. The path to recovery is often a long and painful journey. Recovery is different for everyone. What helps one addict certainly may not help the next person. Quotes have a tendency to strike a chord deeply with those looking for a change in their lifestyle. We hope you enjoy this beautiful and inspiring collection we have created on photographs we have taken over the years.
“You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt U.S. FIRST LADY, DIPLOMAT, HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST
“A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.”
James N. Watkins AUTHOR
“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection.”
Johann Hari
“I don’t need alcohol to see the world in its depths, I carry the sun in me.”
Lamine Pearlheart
“There are far better things ahead than the ones we leave behind.”
C.S. Lewis
“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow”.
A.L. Lawless
“Every sunset brings the promise of a new dawn.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The difficulty we have in accepting responsibility for our behavior lies in the desire to avoid the pain of the consequences of that behavior.”
M. Scott Peck
“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“When you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world.”
Maha Ghosananda
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
Albert Pine
Not one child would ever say “When I grow up I can’t wait to be an addict!”. Yet, unfortunately so many in our society have found themselves in this destructive cycle. The good news is recovery is certainly attainable. Everyone’s path to recovery is different. Many struggle with relapse. Some don’t and are fortunate to get it right the first time out the gate. If you do relapse you can start again. One day at a time. You can succeed!!
We hope the above quotes have resonated with you like they have for us during our journey of Finding our Freedoms. Share them with any loved ones who are looking for a change. When you need some inspiration and peace we hope you can reflect back to these images.
I would like to say that the shock of watching this man getting ready to shoot up the mystery dope that was in his needle would have woke me up and kept me away from the scene for the rest of my life. Unfortunately that is not what happened. if anything I just dove in it even deeper. I thought it would be a great idea to start dating my dealer’s oldest son Mike. He was super cute and I was young and oh so dumb thinking I was cool dating the “pretty boy” dealer. Now I would always have my own sack of weed— or at least knew where to get a bag when my friends were looking to score.
During that summer we all went to Riverfest together one night. I had borrowed my step mom’s little Geo tracker and we were heading back to their place; the drug house. We were only several blocks from their house when BAM— all of a sudden there is this jacked up Chevy Blazer partially sitting out of a parking lot driveway of a church without its headlights on. As soon as we pass it they start erratically following, flashing their lights at us, honking, and then proceeding to start ramming us. This was in the days before cell phones. Back then we all carried pagers and had to depend on payphones. We wildly maneuvered turning down into the neighborhood trying to escape them at all costs. Finally we arrived at the QuikTrip on Harry and Meridian (which is no longer there) and ran inside begging them to call the police. I was crying and I was so scared of the reaction I would get from my stepmom but especially from my dad when he heard what had transpired. We did not have a good relationship at that time because he was on the road driving a truck and I never saw him. He still carried a lot of bitterness and resentment from his divorce towards my mother, making it difficult to develop a relationship with us kids. I’ve blocked a lot of this from my memory over the years. To this day I still don’t know what it was all about. Did it have something to do with these boys I was hanging out with or was somebody looking for my stepmom who I later learned was intertwined in the drug world herself?
It wasn’t many days after that incident that I had learned that the drug house was officially busted and the mom along with her two oldest sons were officially in jail. I was so stupid and naive thinking I was “in love” with this boy. Convincing my mother to take me to small county jail cells around the state of Kansas to visit him in. Sedgwick Co. in Wichita was overflowing at the time so they were shipping inmates to different facilities all over the state. We would write long letters, he would call me collect, and I couldn’t wait for him to get free. Back to the power of the mind (at least mine) blocking so much I can’t tell you how long he was gone. I don’t remember when he got free, but I do remember he had to go live in a halfway house/work-release kind of program. I only saw him one time after he was released as truly by the time he was free I had moved on with a different circle of friends. I have no idea what became of him or his family. I’m sure if I really wanted to I could find them via social media with us now living in the smart world that we are in but I have zero interest. That was the end of that era.
While he’d been away in jail I had started hanging out with a different group of friends as the drug bust had totally busted up our crew. A lot of my “band” friends from back in the day had picked up skateboarding and that was the new hobby of our time. Several of us girls spent a lot of our days hanging out downtown under the Douglas Street Bridge watching all the hot guys skating while we all yelled “YEAH” when they finally pulled off a trick they had been working on for hours or even days. We were having so much fun jamming out to the Beastie boys, eating way too many $2 specials from Taco Shop, enjoying band practices and shows on the weekends, and smoking lots of weed.
It was during this time period that I was introduced to hallucinogenics in the form of white blotter acid from a Grateful Dead show. Some of our friends had brought back a bunch after following them on tour for the summer back when Jerry Garcia was still alive. Billy (God rest his soul) and Jessie came back with dreadlocks, crystals they were using for deodorant (I know, right?), unbelievable stories of the VW breaking down leading to going to jail in Utah, and lots of sheets of acid. They had made a lot of new connections that long summer on the road being deadheads. I had tried acid a couple of times back in highschool with my group of girlfriends so it wasn’t completely new but the amount we began consuming was.
Soon their new “deadhead” connections we’re sending packages in the mail of more acid for all of us deprived people stuck in the middle of this country. I may have been more involved in all of this than I should have been and I remember opening up the packages that had traveled all this way from California. The first one contained Ecstasy that was hidden inside of this little trolley pencil sharpener, some other little trinkets souvenirs, and then sheets of acid in the box that looked just like white construction paper. Several shipments down the road the paper sheets of acid had turned into a liquid form arriving in rinsed out bottles of visine and those little breath freshing minty liquid drops. Tripping on acid was all the rage back then with us. We were making a killing selling these sugar cubes dosed with the liquid acid for $10 a pop and people couldn’t get enough, including us. Going to live shows, hanging out downtown, watching trippy movies, adventuring on the trails out at Pawnee Prairie Park, driving through the golf courses at night while the sprinklers were on, and thinking we were having the time of our lives. But also all the while making horrible decisions. I remember going to babysit my cousins one morning after an all night trip on acid. Not proud of it but I wasn’t in good shape and my grandmother came over and called me out asking me if I was on drugs. I totally was, but there was no way I would admit it.
During this period I had been offered cocaine on more than one occasion. I’ve had a couple friends who had really gone down a bad path from uppers and I already knew then that I had a possibility of becoming addicted to any substance that I put in my body. I mean I was completely addicted to my pack of Marlboros I was smoking everyday and I still am. I need to change that sooner rather than later! I had heard the stories at the Ala-teen meetings and I knew my father was an alcoholic so that upped my chance of being an addict too. It’s probably not saying a lot but I am proud to say I never did any cocaine. Unless you count the few joints over the years that idiots would sprinkle cocaine on and call a primo. As far as I was concerned it would just ruin the taste of the marijuana.
While watching all the hot boys skateboard and hanging out at the band boys house I met my first (and only official) husband. He was a half Korean boy, a good skateboarder, very intelligent, obsessed with the Beatles (which I always thought was the sweetest), didn’t hardly drink (but smoked a lot of pot), and we just hit it off. It wasn’t long into our relationship that I moved out of my mother’s house for the first time and rented a home with him and two other male roommates, Mike ( RIP) and Jeff. I was the woman of the house. All was going well for quite a while and then I realized that my new boyfriend had “small guy syndrome”, meaning he liked to hit and push me around from time to time when he was angry. And what’s crazy is I am a strong girl— I could have totally kicked his ass. But I am definitely a lover and not a fighter. What in the hell was I thinking? Every time he promised he’d never do it again. Every time I would believe him. And every single time he failed us both. I wish I would have had more self-worth and wouldn’t have tolerated the situation for as long as I did.
Strange things started occurring at the house. Flashlights in random rooms. A little mirror I had hanging on the wall in the bathroom disappeared. A week or so after the mirror disappeared I found the frame of it broken and stashed underneath the bathroom sink along with the mirror itself hidden under a stack of towels. I didn’t understand why they didn’t tell me they had broken it. Who really had broken it? And why weren’t they sleeping anymore? I knew they both had sold weed which I had no problem with but this was something else. It didn’t take long until I figured out both of our other roommates were dabbling with the new crystal meth that everyone was talking about. Of course, they didn’t share this information with us. If you don’t do it you’re not part of that circle and are kept completely in the dark. It was when a good friend confided in us that we realized the depth of the situation. We learned that our roommate who ran the indoor skate park downtown was convinced the government/city was pumping oil into the basement and he was taking apart TVs and other electronics constantly looking for surveillance devices. “They” were always watching him whoever “they” were. It was then that we realized we needed to move out of this circumstance we were involved in and get a house of our own.
Life progressed. We got a cute rental. He asked me to marry him. Me being blinded by love, I of course said yes thinking he would never hurt me again. We let a couple who were our friends move in to our spare bedroom. Cheaper rent never hurt anyone. At least that was our thoughts in the beginning. They also ended up getting strung out on this crystal that was everywhere and we had to ask them to move out. I can still remember hearing the girl of the couple bragging about how she was wearing jeans from junior high because she had lost so much weight from the drugs. Being overweight pretty much my entire life it sounded so tempting but I just knew I couldn’t go there. I already had enough vices I couldn’t afford.
September of 98 is when we planned to have our destination wedding which was quite difficult in the days before the internet. With a few friends and his mother we headed to Las Vegas to get married. We loved gambling and he was big into craps so it just made sense we would get married in Sin City. Back to the real world. It didn’t take long for the true honeymoon to end and him to lay his hands on me again in a physical manner that hurt me. This time it actually landed me in the emergency room for a dislocated thumb. The neighbors called the cops and he went to jail and he had to go through anger management classes. In the past his abuse had necessitated me to seek treatment from a chiropractor for months after he literally threw me through a wall during a dispute. With the cops involved now this was so different. This the first time others heard the craziness I was surrounded in. I realized I had made a giant mistake. If I stayed he probably would have killed me eventually as every occurrence of abuse was more severe than the previous. I started planning my escape. We were married in September and the divorce was final by December.
I left him and didn’t tell him where I was going. Any of my belongings that I didn’t get from the house on the first car load he destroyed in the driveway of the house that I had just left. I lost a ton of stuff. The most meaningful being my handmade baby quilt from my childhood. But I was free— I would take the loss. I had gotten a tiny little studio apartment that I later learned was located in “crack alley” not too far from where he was still living. This was the first time I’d lived on my own and it was awesome not having to deal with anybody else’s BS. At least that’s what I was thinking until I couldn’t sleep at night because the people living above me were constantly pacing around in the tiny studio apartment as they were doing drugs and certainly not sleeping. I was waiting for them to wear holes through the floor walking above my head. Waiting for them to come crashing down into my unit.
I started drinking more, enjoying my newly found single life. I was working at a tire shop and we would go to the bar every night after work, drinking and developing deeper friendships. As always me hanging out with all the guys. I’ve always bonded better with men over women. Women just have such a tendency to be entirely way too judgemental for my taste and love to stab other women in the back. That’s not the kind of person I am so I have always tried to avoid that scenario completely. It was during this time in my life that I started developing a relationship with the father of my girls— the next addict/alcoholic I would have in my life.
To be continued….
Stay tuned for part three of this compelling series.
I was never one of those uptight, prudish type of women. Porn didn’t make me cringe. I never minded the little sexual talk in the break room at the job even though that’s officially “against the rules”. I have a good sense of humor, sometimes not a very politically correct sense of humor, but a sense of humor none-the-less. I’ve even known myself to consume some pornography over the years. Reading the stories hidden inside the pages of their subscriptions of Playboys that conveniently lived in the restroom; hidden, buried deep inside of the magazine rack. Out of sight. Keeping the secret.
Yes I have morals and standards, yet I never really had issues with the Playboy subscription in the bottom nightstand bureau drawer of my dad’s, or with my ex, the girl’s father. So truly it blew my mind how I reacted after I discovered Nick’s habit. The emotional instability and true deception that I felt after the discovery of his pornography use totally caught me off guard.
I mean the first time I “caught” him, I really did believe it must have been all my fault. I was closing in on my 9th month of pregnancy with our son. I know I didn’t feel very attractive at that moment. My first glimpse into the addiction of pornography was getting ready to smack me straight in the face. Picture how stunned I found myself. I wake up after barely getting in bed for the evening. I walk upstairs and down the hall towards the restroom. It was late. Probably close to midnight. He wasn’t in bed yet as that was the norm. Typical, exhausted, pregnant mom; working a full time job. I was notorious for going to bed before him while he stayed up supposedly playing video games on his phone. I heard the water in the shower running as I approached the bathroom door. Being a pregnant female and hearing the sound of the running water it hit me right in the bladder. I needed to get in that restroom and I needed to get in there quick. Without even knocking, as that is how open our relationship has always been, I open the door. Bam! What is this? Here he was, not even an hour after we finished making love, and I find him watching pornography on his phone while pleasuring himself. My jaw dropped and I instantly shut the door and went to the dining room, sitting and replaying in my mind what I just encountered. I was shook! I couldn’t understand it. We had a very healthy sexual relationship. Even at this stage of my pregnancy we were intimate multiple times a week, never lacking a desire to take care of each other’s needs.
My mind was racing; I felt that I wasn’t truly satisfying him the way I had in the past. I was so completely embarrassed and feeling like I wasn’t good enough in my skin. I mean I looked in the mirror everyday and I realized how different my body looked so maybe, maybe it really was my fault… I was just overreacting. You can ask anyone and they will tell you that it is completely natural. ALL MEN do it! I mean it was just an image it’s not like he was really with somebody. But my heart and my mind didn’t care. Physically or virtually, it wounded me deeply.
At that time I did nothing but try to move past this. I didn’t have time to let this get me down so I stuffed it burying it deep inside of me. It was such a happy time in our lives. We were getting close to having our baby and would be bringing him home to our newly remodeled home after suffering a house fire. I was so looking forward to us bonding as parents together. This was his first child and it was such an exciting time. Seeing him with our son after he was born and the pure joy and pride radiating from his face is something no no one can ever take from me. And then there was my beautiful girls. They were completely in love with their new baby brother. I will always cherish that day. The fast, furious, and completely unmedicated delivery of our beautiful son. My daughters so scared yet immensely excited; pacing right outside of the door anxiously awaiting his arrival. I’ll never forget the expression on the nurse’s face when she realized she was going to have to deliver this baby as the doctor had yet to arrive. It was just a whirlwind of emotions that day. My oxytocin and dopamine were peaking at max capacity. I loved everyone! For awhile that was good enough. I blocked that devastating night of discovery from my mind.
For a few weeks it appeared that maybe everything was going to be alright. Maybe it really wasn’t that big of a deal— or maybe I was in denial and it was. Was the high of having a new baby in our home deceiving my inner thoughts? I’m sure my hormone fluctuations during the pregnancy hindered me really evaluating the depth of my feelings upon discovery. Feeling overly emotional over the unearthing of his pornography use. I mean we were soul mates. Surely it was just a one off and wouldn’t happen again.
Life progressed and it was getting close to being time for me to return to work from my maternity leave. One evening he’d handed me his phone to show me something on it and in the process of me backing out of the screen I was on, I touched a different button that showed all of the current apps running in the background. On one of the screens was a very tan, thin naked girl with long blond hair doing God only knows what because I instantly just lost it. I mean you can’t get more opposite than what I am. Devastated once again, yet having to try to stifle my true emotions at that moment as his father was here from out of town. I’m really good at keeping blinders on if someone’s doing something that I don’t approve of and hurts me. I’ve never really been big on confrontation, but now here I was being confronted by pornography once again.
I had learned to doubt and silence my intuition. My feelings, my intuition always dismissed; I was making a mountain out of a molehill feelings of that I stuffed deep down inside of me. I was building walls around myself that I wasn’t even aware I was doing. One foot in front of the other. Keep going! Keep climbing! So many tasks on my list of things to do before I go back to work. I had to find, interview, and actually feel comfortable with a daycare provider for our sweet new baby. I must color my hair because, God forbid I return to work with any silver showing. Must convince my breastfed baby to take a bottle. Must figure out how I’m going to comfortably pump to sustain my infant while working a high-stress position at my company. Be strong. Be the best mom I can be. Be the best daughter I can be to my handicapped mother. Be the best employee I can be while trying to compensate for the fact that I had just been off for 7 weeks. The pressure of being a working mother is all too real. My mind was truly sucked into my newborn baby that I was away from. I got this. I am strong! Or do I? I was trying not to be emotionally and sexually devastated by this discovery of Nick’s porn consumption. I must not let anybody know that my human in this world looks at pornography more than I’m willing to admit. I must not let anybody know that I have an issue with this. How had I turned into this prude? This angry, bitter woman who is losing her sexual desire completely. I was trying to pretend like I wasn’t broken. I’m super mom— I can do it all. But my presence in this world proved otherwise. Negativity was getting the best of me, persistently showing its ugly head through my denial.
Time went on and as it progressed we both pretended like everything was alright. And for some time it was working. Denial is an amazing force if you embrace it with open arms. What I didn’t realize at that time is how much it was all changing me. My once happy go lucky everyday positive attitude that I carried with me at my job was gone. My brightness and my positivity was dimming. I was having a hard time concentrating. I was having a hard time producing enough milk for my baby boy that I was having to supplement with formula. That also caused me to be pretty down on myself. I was just going through the motions of daily life, never feeling like enough in many ways. I’ll never forget one day my favorite co-worker Mary looking at me straight in the face and asking “What in the hell is going on with you?” and me of course trying to play it off like I was just tired. “The baby isn’t letting me get enough sleep at night.” I replied back with confidence. You know I had a perfect excuse. I certainly couldn’t tell my truth. I was scarred.
None of this was alright for me. I was trying to bury all of it deeply down inside of me. I couldn’t handle the shame. The embarrassment. The shame of not being good enough; not pretty enough, thin enough, blonde enough, young enough, or even “dirty” enough. Deep into my core I was hoping to never endure this pain again. Hoping that he could surely feel and see the pain I felt from it. Praying that I could be good enough.
I now questioned everything. I felt triggered by everything. I doubted so much more and looked over my shoulder constantly. What is he doing on his phone? Did he just back out of a screen? Why isn’t he in bed? Has he been in the bathroom a little too long? Does this dirty sock seem extra crusty? The questions in my mind did not stop. Triggers were everywhere. We couldn’t sit together and watch a movie anymore as my anxiety wouldn’t allow it. When we went out in public my mind raced with so many questions: was he looking at all these women? TVs programs, commercials, social media, guys at work showing off their newest image finds on their phones. I was in constant cringe mode thinking of all the ways that sexual content was on display for him twenty-four hours a day. It was always at his fingertips or sitting in his pocket on a device that can take him to any fantasy he wanted. I had to run every situation through my head completely before I could leave the house to be involved in anything socially. This isn’t normal. I had become the problem. It was my fault he had this”problem” that was devastating our love story.
It’s all me.
I’m the problem!
This is my fault!
I would like to say that he saw how it was affecting me and changed his ways, but really he just spiraled out of control. Days turned into weeks and weeks changed into months, which quickly progressed into years. Here we were years down the road and we were still in this living Hell. We were working opposite schedules to help save money on daycare. He had way too much free time on his hands. Working weekend shift he had the amazing privilege of not even working 6 months out of a year. Three 12-hour days and getting paid for 40 he had a pretty sweet deal going on. And it was supposed to be an even better deal for our son to not have someone else raising him. It was supposed to be the answer. The best thing for our son and family, but in hindsight saving money did nothing for us but help us lose our loving connection. Our family bond was falling apart.
I’d have no time to heal before there would be another discovery. They became a constant in my daily existence. I don’t want to go into all the dirty details. I’m sure many of you can truly use your imagination. I was so wounded from this betrayal. I fell into a depression I refused to see. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks. I mean it even affected my menstrual cycle and my thyroid. From my personal experience I know for certain there’s so much shame involved with it, not just for me but for both partners. The betrayer and the betrayed. Anytime I thought I could try to get over it there would be another abrupt discovery into that dark side of his world. It felt like a hard slap to my face, the wound constantly stinging from the blow.
Finally it got to the point I couldn’t take it anymore. I freaking lost it! Demanding him to get the hell out of my home. Telling him how much he disgusted me. Screaming at him that he was sick. Yelling at him that he didn’t deserve us. Shaming him for all the shame he had caused me. Blaming him for my isolation and my loneliness. I felt like I hadn’t been able to catch my breath in months— or was it years? My mind kept screaming “I can’t breathe!” I had truly been telling him any time I caught him in the past that he should just leave yet every time he stayed. But not this time. He packed up his overnight bag hopped in his car and drove away into the darkness.
Devastated, heartbroken, and did I mention I couldn’t breathe? I’ve had to hold my head high. Keeping our son from knowing what’s going on. Not wanting to disclose to my daughters the reason for Nick’s absence. How could I let them know how blind I had been? How stupid I had been for allowing this for as long as I had? For not having enough self worth and value to tolerate this for the amount of time I had. How can I expect them to be strong women following my example?
Nothing like kicking him out of the house so he would have all the time in the world to hang out with the never-ending resource of videos and images in his pocket. Oh the joy of this “smart” and overly sexualized world we are living in.
Please share with us your stories. What triggers you? How do you rebuild trust that has been lost? What steps do you take to create health boundaries and knock down the walls of bitterness in your own lives?
I did a lot of googling and a lot of viewing on YouTube trying to absorb every bit of inspiration and knowledge I could about the disease of addiction. Below you’ll find a wide array of YouTube videos that I have watched and found helpful. I hope you also find some peace and encouragement in the power of knowledge.
Richie is out helping people get on the path of recovery
WOW!!!! A different perspective on addiction. Rat Park.
Love this form of recovery she shares!
https://youtu.be/xolcolRh48M
Break through the chains of addiction.
A family members perspective.
Love her and her life stories ❤️
Great resource for betrayal trauma.
Jessica tells it like it is.
Inside scoop to different substances that are abused.
When addiction hits Miss America.
Family is the most important thing!!! Loftis Party of 6
Love this sweet family and following their journey. Less Junk More Journey
Podcast that Mark and Trish did from Keep Your Daydream. It is an every Sunday weakness for me. They are all about community. Check out their YouTube page below.
My first YouTube channel obsession. Keep Your Daydream. #kyd
Where do find encouragement and information in your daily life? Let us know. Please share any video suggestions that have helped you in your recovery.
