16 POSITIVE ROUTINES TO REPLACE ADDICTIONS DURING RECOVERY

  1. Exercise; take up yoga, join a gym, go for a daily walk, ride a bike, start rock climbing, or any other way to be active.
  2. Go camping. Get back with nature. Enjoy and respect the beauty that God created for us. Make sure to leave the campsite cleaner than you found it. Take a good back up battery/solar pack if you aren’t ready to disconnect completely. And trash bags!! Don’t forget the trash bags😉

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  1. Drink a ton of water and start meal planning. A healthy well-rounded diet starts a great foundation for recovery.

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  1. Invest in positive friendships. You know those who love you that you have been avoiding. Pick up the phone. Call them. Schedule a lunch. Go get pedicures together. Go fishing. Take your kids to the park for a play date. Send them a card if they aren’t close by. I can’t think of anyone that wouldn’t love to find a card in their mailbox rather than a bill!

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  1. Learn a new hobby. Do you have an artistic side? You could sign up for a local art class. How about starting a journal and writing in it everyday. Want to learn how to play golf? What about surfing if you are fortunate enough to live near a beach? So many different healthy options. What is your interest?

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  1. Volunteer!!! Help those less fortunate than you. Help those in their own recovery. Go to the humane society to play with the lonely animals. Serve a meal at a Ronald McDonald House. Click here to find volunteer opportunities in your area.
  2. Go to church. Get involved!! Start a group for overcoming the things you have struggled with.
  3. Adopt a pet! Only do so if you are able to give it 100% and spoil them rotten. There is no better love than from a pet. Especially a happy and loved pet.

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  1. Find ways to connect with family and friends. Throw a BBQ, host a watch party, or have a game night with friends and family. Start a 1000pc. jigsaw puzzle for multiple days of bonding around the table.

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  1. Start or join a social media group to build more community. Do you have ways to inspire others to overcome adversities? What are you passionate about? Maybe you could build a Facebook Group covering that.
  2. Start a budget. This will help hold you accountable. Don’t spend what you don’t have! Save every month.

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  1. Write out your goals. It makes them real! Next, actually work towards them. Don’t wait for “someday”. Today is the day to start.
  2. Pray. And then pray some more. Everyday thank your higher power for the blessings you have found in your life. Try to read some scripture everyday.

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  1. Start reading. Wrap yourself in a soft blanket and find a comfy chair with good natural lighting. Find inspirational words to inspire you to stay clean. Try a daily devotional to kick start your day and start a conversation with your spouse.

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  1. Tell your story of recovery. Keep working your steps. Go to meetings and inspire the newcomers. But also, help break through the anonymity of recovery and the shame by telling your story outside of the anonymous rooms. We can do this together!!!
  2. LOVE!!! Learn to love yourself again. Once you learn how to do that you can start loving everyone else in the same manner.

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Tell us what has helped you or a loved one to find recovery? Comment or send us an email if you would like discretion. We can’t wait to hear from you. Community is everything.

Nick and Christina

THE ADDICTS IN MY LIFE: PART 1

Research shows that nearly 21 million Americans have at least one addiction, yet unfortunately only 10% of them will receive treatment ¹ . In 2016 the Surgeon General stated that 1 in 7 will face substance addiction ². The economic impact of this epidemic is stifling. Sadly over 70,000 Americans lost their lives to an overdose in 2017 ³ . The numbers are increasing every year. I myself have had the unfortunate privilege of sitting in the front row to watch so many of my loved ones go through the ugliness of addiction.

As a child it was alcohol that had taken up real estate in my life. Daily after work beers for my father. I would help him pull off his boots every night after work and I would grab him his Budweiser out of the fridge. Every weekend “card parties” with the heavier drinks flowing freely for all the adults in my life— the ones who should be showing us kids guidance, responsibilities, and values. Beers at all the softball games. And the skating rink. Pitchers of foamy beer at the Pizza Hut. Taking us into bars while they played darts or shot pool. They always ordered fancy Shirley Temple’s for us kids. You name it, it was always there. Even many of my friends dad’s were drinking while driving us kids to our weekend games or girl scout meetings. I remember one dad who had a cooler set up in his center console of his Blazer. This was the friend who’s house was our go to for raiding their cupboards or fridge for alcohol when we were in high school. Their parents had so much and were consuming so much of it that they never noticed if they were missing any. Here in this small Catholic community in Kansas I grew up in, drinking has always been the norm.

Starting back in late elementary school and junior high it all began with the boys carrying around their cans of chew thinking they were cool. I can still vividly see and hear the sound of them tapping their cans of Skoal with their index fingers. Funny what the mind will hold on to after all these years. Soon in junior high we began our weekend “dance” parties in someone’s barn or basement. I hosted several of these myself in our basement or back deck. My parents were divorced when I was 12 and I am not proud to say that I took advantage of my mom during this transitional period of her becoming a single mom. There would inevitably always be someone with an older sibling who provided some alcohol filled party favors for us children to consume. Our only saving grace back in the beginning was none of us were driving yet. That is until everyone started getting the farmers permits. Then the fun really began.

In high school the weekend entertainment was a country road where the “cool” kids would meet up. Well, at least until the weather didn’t permit that. On the cold nights there were several “cool” and “edgy” parents who would love to have the kids over to hang out. Drinking, dreaming, laughing, experimenting sexually, and of course playing music was the ritual. I attended one of these house parties and just didn’t feel at home with all the jocks. Those of us that didn’t fit into that vibe found our own ways to get in trouble. We started venturing into Wichita. The big city for us small town kids.

The more we went to “town” the more we found our own ways to party. We wound up meeting different groups of people here and there whether it be at the mall or the movie theater. That may be a foreign concept for a lot of you as life was so different before technology. You actually had to get out there and talk to people. Our new acquaintances were doing way more than drinking (not that they weren’t drinking plenty too). My small town crew was then introduced to marijuana as we developed friendships with this new group of friends.

I was really scared to try the marijuana so out of our group of friends I was one of the last ones to truly partake. I was spending my time drinking, drinking way too much, letting my ambitions go. We were having the time of our lives, just starting to realize how much bigger the world was compared to our tiny little town with no street lights. It was during this time frame that my low self-esteem lead to me losing my virginity to a one night stand, which in turn lead me to just wanting to party more. We even found a small live music bar that we could get into on the weekends. It was dark, dank, reeking of old beer and vomit. It was so inviting to us kids. It made us feel like we were part of something. The live music scene was happening in the 90’s with the influence of the Grunge genre. Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Mother Love Bone, and Temple of the Dog are just a few I was obsessed with during that time.

The door of this small bar was ran by the owners 14 year old son. He had a piece of paper on an oh so official clipboard where if you conveniently forgot your ID you could just write down your information. Well, we sure abused that along with half of Wichita. I had a different identity every weekend on that piece of paper. It was so much fun fighting through the adrenaline rush we would get as we were waiting in line to fill out that paper with our fake identity for the weekend. We felt so grown-up ordering and drinking our own pitchers of beer, Kamikazes, and of course Sex on the Beach’s. We had jumped into this new lifestyle with all we had. Eventually I even wound up with my older sister’s ID when she turned 21. Of course I would take her ID and of course I would happily use it knowing I would never again have to fill out that piece of paper for Paul at the bar. Life was made. Nothing like a 17 year old with a fake ID.

The next progression from hanging out at the bar every weekend or at people’s houses drinking and smoking their weed was us wanting to score our own pot over the weekends. Us girls would all chip in and buy a $20 or $40 bag. We would then smoke it all up over the weekend so we wouldn’t get caught by our parents. They would never expect that from us as we really were good kids. We didn’t own any paraphernalia so we were making our own pipes out of aluminum foil or soda pop cans thinking we were cool. Sitting in cul-de-sacs of new and upcoming neighborhoods in west Wichita smoking pot all while drinking our bottles of Boone’s Farm out of QuikTrip cups. We were definitely young and dumb, not making the best decisions but we still pretty much had our acts together. I believe that is because out of this group of friends of mine we didn’t carry the addictive gene in our brains. We were doing what typical teenagers do.

Soon one of the girls in our group introduced us to a lady where we could get pot. We would go over to her house to get our weekly weekend stash. During that time we wound up bonding with her handsome teenage sons who were also dealing. We were all so naive to the drug world. They didn’t disclose they were dealing more than pot but over time it became more than obvious. It was at this house I first witnessed someone preparing to shoot up. My graduation night. After some struggle to actually get my diploma with a school change under my belt I finally had done it to then just be disappointed by really nobody showing up for the ceremony. I went to score a bag of weed to bury my sorrows after the ceremony. Walking into the house I go to the kitchen to make the transaction. All is good and I am ready to get out of there and go meet up with some buddies. I go to walk through the living room when I turn my head to see a gentleman with a belt wrapped tight around his arm with a lighter and spoon in his hand in a dark and dingy room. Heart racing. Sheer terror! Scariest thing I had ever seen in my 18 years. I hightailed it out if there at what felt like 100 miles an hour. What in the actual hell did I just witness? What path had I found myself on? I never dreamed I would see anything like this outside of the movies.

To be continued….

Stay tuned for part two of this new compelling series.

¹ “Addiction Statistics – Facts on Drug and Alcohol Use – Addiction Center.” AddictionCenter, www.addictioncenter.com/addiction/addiction-statistics/.

² “General Facts and Recommendations.” Facing Addiction In America: The Surgeon General’s Report on Alcohol, Drugs, and Health, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, file:///C:/Users/13164/Downloads/fact-sheet-general.pdf.

³ National Institute on Drug Abuse. “Overdose Death Rates.” NIDA, 29 Jan. 2019, www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/trends-statistics/overdose-death-rates.

MULTIPLE ADDICTIONS

After fighting this battle with Nick there are some things I now know for sure. Those of us without the addictive gene have a hard time seeing the big picture of addiction. We have such a hard time not being angry and bitter. The more I have researched and walked through this battle I now know otherwise. Our loved ones don’t choose to be addicted. It’s not the alcohol, the sex, the prescription pills, the gambling, the opioids, or the meth. It’s usually underlying trauma from childhood, mental issues, and overall lack of connection. Or in the case of the new drug pornography a lot of these kids are exposed at such a young age in this era of technology that they just think it is normal. Society has normalized this. A lot of times those struggling just don’t feel comfortable. Comfortable in their environment, comfortable in their own skin, or comfort in their own thoughts. Given this, more often than not it is more than just one drug of choice. Multiple addictions takeover their lives.

Addiction to me means an action or substance that negatively affects you or your loved ones. If you have to keep your actions a secret, making sure no one finds out, you probably shouldn’t be doing whatever it is. If you feel like you have to watch over your shoulder constantly something might be wrong. If you’re backing out of screens on your computer or phone, hiding in the bathroom “pooping” for hours, and lying to your loved ones about what you are doing— something is definitely wrong. If you can’t say it out loud you are probably living in the darkness with addiction. If you are feeling alone and isolated in a room full of loved ones you probably need help.

The good news is there are so many options out there to find recovery. Online communities, online and in person AA/NA/SA/Nar-anon/Al-Anon groups, individual and family therapy, getting involved in church, accountability partners, and of course in/out patient treatment facilities. There is hope for all of us. For our journey we have found comfort in many of the above items. Most important for us was rebuilding our relationship with God and rebuilding our loving connection.

Often when an addict releases the grip of their primary addiction another one is waiting to jump into the party. Quit drinking to then be obsessed with sex. Quit watching porn and then live at the casino. Addiction is really a disease, though us nonaddicts have such a hard time believing. They made the choice to take that first hit off the pipe or the first drink or to look up that inappropriate content online. They made the choice! But in all actuality those with an “addict brain” don’t make the choice. Once it gets what it needs it, the brain will do anything to feel that utopia again. This is due to the release of dopamine. It plays such a vital role in those with multiple addictions.

Impulsive behaviors such as sex, watching pornography, gambling, eating, playing video games, and developing online relationships all cause the brain to release dopamine. It produces a sense of euphoria and a lot of it doing nothing but reinforcing these behaviors. The newest impulsive behavior often becomes the new drug for individuals who develop cross addictions. These behaviors awaken the same brain paths creating such similar effects and causing a new downward spiral.

The brain is such a powerful tool. The good news is it can be rewired. The old computer saying of “garbage in, garbage out” rings true with addiction. Start replacing the garbage in your life with positive influences. Be honest! With yourself, with your family, and especially with your higher power. Start making amends. Start taking accountability. Remove people, places, and things that trigger you. Replace them with healthy lifestyle changes. Take a walk. Go to the gym. Or our go to: go camping! Be one with nature. Go to church. Learn a new hobby. Pick up some golf clubs. Volunteer, tell your story, and most of all help others through their recovery. We can all make a difference by breaking through the silence. Let’s not let recovery be anonymous any longer.

Please share in the comments how addiction has negatively affected your lives. Or, if you would like privacy please shoot us an email. We are here to help anyway we can.

THE STORY OF US

Nick and I met in 2010 at our place of employment. You know that feeling you get when there’s just that instant spark of attraction? You could say we had that times 💯 !!! At that time I was a single mom of two wonderful little girls and Nick believed he was the father of a young son (that’s a long story we will need to address in a later blog entry). We started dating, taking it very slowly as my girls were my TOP priority. I refused to let any relationship– new or old– interfere with that. It was months before I introduced my girls to him. I didn’t want to add any confusion to their lives if we weren’t meant to be together. Nick was also going to school while working full time, so he also had other priorities. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other and started developing a strong foundation to our relationship.

Over time he moved into the family home where I grew up. I’ve been here for years taking care of my mother who we moved to a nursing home this past November. Everything was going so perfect. We had so much in common: the same goals, dreams, and values. We have the same taste in food and even the same taste in music and believe me that is very important! When we had our amazing son together, I believed we really had the perfect family. Life was good, so very good. But, as life is imperfect, it wasn’t long before we fell on bad times. It’s a long story that will have to be covered in numerous blog posts, but soon I discovered a pornography addiction that Nick was struggling with. It also included developing inappropriate online relationships with old “friends” via social media. I was completely devastated. This is not what I wanted for my life, my relationship, and my family….

I told him he had to leave and he did. That’s my go to: pushing my loved ones away to protect myself. To protect my self-esteem and my self worth. He was gone for about a month before we started talking more in depth. During this time I was trying to keep it together while I moved my first born baby girl away to college. Such a transitional season I had found myself in. After many fights we both started individual therapy. Back to my friend Google. I am pretty good at researching and found a good Christian based counseling center that would be best based on our true morals and values. Some time later he proved he was trying and I allowed him back in our home, but we weren’t sharing a room. I had many boundaries in place at this time. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me! I certainly wasn’t ready to be intimate at this point. He switched to a flip phone for awhile to remove the temptation of pornography at his fingertips 24 hours a day– it truly is everywhere. I liked to refer to this new phone as Nick’s “dumb phone”. Since this is about honesty I have to say I even saved the name to his new number in my contacts as “Nick’s dumb like his phone”. I was really traumatized during this period. Trying to take care of my family, my mom with all her health issues, while working a full-time job, running a household with everything that requires, all while trying to pretend like I was ok. I was treading water and just barely keeping my head above the surface. There was no time to take care of myself. I was broken.

A few weeks down the road as he progressed through his therapy he moved back to his smartphone. I was getting ready to go on a girls trip with a group of 43 women I had met in a Facebook group. Another blog post in the making on that story. 🤣 I couldn’t fathom not knowing what he was doing while I was away. I had zero trust. Zip! Zilch! Nada! I mean how could I have? We started doing some research and came across accountability apps. After diving into many articles and reviews we decided on one. We installed the accountability app to help me rebuild my trust in him. Believing we were on the right track things were actually good for awhile. I was focusing on my own therapy while he was working on himself. Unfortunately that didn’t last long before I felt something else was laying right under the surface.

I didn’t know what it was. We were falling apart and he wasn’t the man I had fallen in love with. He was working third shift so our time together while awake was minimal. Plus, he was working 7 days a week by choice. He wasn’t getting enough rest, wasn’t spending any quality time with his family, and he just was not acting like himself. He was angry, paranoid, and moody on the regular. All the ways you would never want your spouse to act. We were all walking on eggshells around him..

One day I found a tiny green baggie in the bottom of the washer. I was shaking. Terrified! What in the world was this? What would he say when I showed him this discovery? As he was walking up the driveway I stared him down and instantly said to him, “empty your pockets”. He was confused as I confronted him. I pulled the tiny green baggie out of my pocket and said, “what in the hell is this?” He nonchalantly said it was from an Adderall that he had gotten from some guy at work. No big deal! As naive as I was, I thought that since it was a pharmaceutical it wasn’t that big of a deal.

In the coming weeks he began accusing me of having boyfriends and being unfaithful. Things weren’t good and again, me being me, I told him to get out. I said if he couldn’t be the man I brought home, the man I fell in love with, he had to go. He moved out again and signed a one year lease. His mom and family were all feeling so sorry for him and helped him any way they could– financially or otherwise. He wasn’t being honest with them either. It was ALL my fault, or so they believed.

I threw myself into researching Adderall use. Most of it made sense but not all of it. I would send his family screenshots of the research but to no avail. There had to be more. The day he moved out he removed the accountability app and started signing up for dating and porn websites. He was spiraling out of control: making poor choices and lying to himself as well as his family.

We didn’t really talk for several weeks and when we did we mostly fought. Eventually he started being honest (or so I thought) and we decided to try to work on us again. I allowed him to go camping one long weekend with us. With him working third shift he would be at the campsite during the day with our son while I was at work. It would be perfect.

When I got out to the lake on July 19th I went in the camper to find him completely passed out while our son was sitting at the dinette playing on his tablet. I picked up his keys to go look for the other tablet in his car as we hadn’t seen it since showing up to the campsite. I just knew it had to be in his car, so off I went to start looking for it. No tablet to be found. Then I stumbled upon a bag of Walmart sacks right under the front of his driver’s seat.

Odd. Why would he have all these bags shoved here? I picked up the bag and realized it was heavier than just empty Walmart sacks. In these bags was a giant torch lighter, a glass pipe tucked into a cigarette pack and several little green baggies with a crystal like substance inside of them. My heart started pounding out of my chest. I was shaking so bad. What the hell was this? Back to me being naive. I was clueless! I instantly woke him up and kept asking, “What is this? What is this?” He was so caught off guard and startled from being awoken so abruptly. He finally said, “It’s meth! I have a problem. I need help!”

To be continued…

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